20 Lessons to Remember When Working in a Hospital
by Valie
Summary: There are 20 lessons that Kutner needs to remember when working in a hospital, so he wrote them down not to forget. Take a peek at what he wrote. XD


**A/N:** Totally random idea that popped into my head. Maybe a little rushed, I'm not sure. Anyway, I've been curious about all these list fics that people have been writing so I wanted to try one of my own. The few list fics I have seen are Harry Potter based, but I wanted to write in a fandom that can also get a kick out of them. Hopefully?

This is Kutner's list. If this fic is well received, I'll do another chapter with a different character. :3 So read and review!

**20 Lessons to Remember When Working in a Hospital**

**Kutner's lessons - **

**1.** **Always where my lab coat and ID in the hospital, else, I will be peered at suspiciously and followed.**

I learned this lesson the day after I had made the cut to be on House's team. Cocky, I left my lab coat in my locker with my ID the night before. See, I was going to go to a bar for a few hours to celebrate my new job, so I left it behind. Past experiences have shown that I am a very forgetful drunk with a tendency to lose things, even people. In advance planning, I decided to leave the two most important things for my new job at, well, my job. So when I showed up for work the next day, a hangover blaring down on me, sunglasses and my hands stuffed into my pockets, the security guards followed me around for a long time. When I went into the locker room, I swore I saw one of them make to approach me but another guard pulled him back. Of course, I didn't put two and two together at the time, but after I exited the locker room with my lab coat and ID, I did. One of the guards approached me, checked my hospital ID and the ID in my pocket and took me to be verified by Dr. Cuddy. Lesson one learned.

**2. Never leave my ID at home or I will have to go back and get it.**

This lesson was learned possibly a week after I learned my first lesson. It seems the security guards did not trust me, although Cuddy had vouched for me. So this one day, I rushed out the house, I was running late. Although, I kept my ID clipped to my lab coat, it seemed to have fallen off at some point in my haste. So when I couldn't find it when the guards asked for it, I was literally turned away from the door. Too shocked to argue, I grumbled and drove home as quickly as possible. I spent only ten minutes looking for it before giving up and driving back to the hospital, calling Foreman in advance, so he could vouch for me. I was embarrassed by the whole situation and agreed to look all night for ID after work. Two days later, I found it in my car. I keep it in my glove box now. Lesson two learned.

**3. When House is speaking, look at him and not past him. It seems to annoy him.**

Though this lesson is obvious, it's especially bad when House is having a bad day. Somehow, his bad day means it has to be everyone's bad day. I ended up doing his clinic duties for a week for this infraction. Lesson three learned.

**4. The same goes for when Foreman is speaking.**

This lesson wasn't so obvious because I had always presumed that Foreman was a cool guy. However, it seems that when he talks business, he means business. I got a stern lecture for not knowing this lesson. At least I didn't have extra clinic duties. Lesson four learned.

**5.** **I should never be tempted to stare at Thirteen's breasts. It makes her angry if I do.**

Thirteen is hot, that's a definite. However, she's more one of the guys then a woman and that makes it easier to work around her knowing that. Still, my eyes did slip once or twice. After she chewed me out, she would've cut me with a scalpel if she had instant access to one at those particular times. Thirteen should not be angered. Lesson five learned.

**6. I will look when her attention is distracted from me, however.**

Like I said, Thirteen is hot. I'm only a weak man, I can't help that. So I've learned that side glances are my best chance to ogle her. So far, I haven't been caught by her. I get a feeling that it's only a matter of time though, so I make sure to do it when we're nowhere near the scalpel. Lesson six learned, sort of.

**7. Never tell a male patient it sounds like he's pregnant. Odd looks and questions will follow.**

I didn't mean that he was. I was only pointing out that he had a lot of the same symptoms as a pregnant woman. Still, some people are overly sensitive to innocent comments like that. I escaped a near fight by pointing out that I was only kidding. The patient calmed down some after that, though he did ask some weird questions about what if he had really been born a woman without knowing it. I never want to be the one on the opposite end of those kinds of questions again. Lesson seven definitely learned.

**8.** **Never comment that a female patient is 'still hot even though she's pregnant'. Apparently, it's not considered a compliment.**

I really did mean it as a compliment. She was seven months along, but she barely showed and she was very pretty. I quickly apologized when I saw how upset she got. Apparently, she didn't feel as 'hot' as I thought she looked. I calmed her down before the situation could escalate, by listening to her rant about she really felt. I decided if I ever get married, I didn't want kids. They make pregnant women insane. Lesson eight learned.

**9. Never joke about the game 'Operation' when pulling objects out of patients that had no business being there in the first place.**

Well, this doesn't really need to be said, nor done, but sometimes you can't help it. Especially when you see change removed from a patient's stomach or a bottle from their, uh, rears. It's scary what can actually get into a person. Still, it's rude to make stupid childish jokes like that in the operating room. Lesson nine, still learning.

**10.** **That especially applies to when removing a knife from a person. They don't find buzzing sounds funny during their moment of pain.**

Sometimes the patient is conscious, sometimes they're not. Sometimes you make a stupid childish joke to lighten the mood, sometimes you get cursed out by a patient. I don't make the jokes if the patient is conscious anymore. Lesson 10 learned.

**11. Apparently it's not funny to embarrass a cop. **

Sure, it happened before I got here, but it seems like a very important lesson. Not that I'll ever consider doing it myself... Anymore. Thank you Chase for filling me out on this one. Lesson 11 understood.

**12. It's wrong to imply that a religious person may have a STD.**

It only happened once, but I will never imply it again until I know all the facts first. That priest was really offended and I almost lost my job. However, I apologized, repented and was forgiven. He never came to the hospital again, at least not that I've seen. Lesson 12 learned.

**13. I should always clean up after myself, otherwise, House will again dump hazardous materials in my locker.**

What had happened was that I had forgotten to clean up my mess after making coffee a few times. House didn't seem to care until some of my mess of excess coffee grinds ended up in his coffee. Apparently, he thought it was a challenge and I found used needles in my locker the next day. Thankfully, I cleaned them out of my locker without poking myself with any, but I got the point, so to speak. Next time it could be something much worst. Lesson 13 learned and feared.

**14. It's not okay to laugh at House, not even when he makes a joke.**

I have this problem where I do find a lot of things, inane and not, funny. It's horrible, I guess. House always glares at me for laughing during a serious situation. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but House says some pretty funny stuff sometimes. Lesson 14, work in progress.

**15. Remember #14 more often.**

Lesson 15 remains unlearned. Damn.

**16.** **Never joke about mixing up a patient's medication in front of the patient.**

Though it's tempting to say, _'Oh god, I think they gave you cream for foot fungus instead of for your canker sore. I am sooo sorry!'_ after a patient has been applying the cream to their face for a week. It's not a good thing to do. No one finds this funny unless the patient's buddy is in the room at the time. After several incidents of this, I learned a lot of new colorful words from angry patients. Lesson 16 learned... after a few great laughs.

**17. Apparently, you can shock a person into a minor heart attack by saying the wrong thing.**

This would be the incident that helped me learn lesson 16. The patient was a 54-year-old man, who only had a minor rash and had come in for a check up. Unbeknownst to me, he was a hypochondriac and in the early stages of Alzheimer's. So when I joked that maybe the rash on his arm was healed by foot fungal cream, he turned many shades of red before clutching his heart. He had a minor heart attack from the stress of mixed anger and fear caused by my joke. Thankfully, he didn't die and recovered pretty well, soon after. As an added bonus, he even forgot what happened. However, when he went into cardiac arrest, he kept screaming 'I'm dead! I'm dead!' I'll never goof about mixing up a patient's medication anymore. Lesson 17 learned the hard way.

**18. Children are never to be left with anything they could jab into their ears.**

This lesson is one of those obvious lessons that I was totally oblivious to. Being an only child had something to do with that. It seems kids like sticking pointy objects in their ears and then slamming it through their ear drums. Makes you squeamish, right? Imagine seeing it seconds before it happens and knowing you're not gonna be able to stop them in time. I always keep an eye out when children are around. Lesson 18 learned.

**19. Patients do not appreciate being called 'Dude' when delivering bad news to them.**

In general, people expect professionals to speak professionally. However, some habits are to break right away, especially when it's something you do often. I say 'dude' often when I'm not at work, so when I am at work, it's hard to remember sometimes that I shouldn't say it. Once I forgot this lesson in front of House and I earned a smack in my knee with his cane. Very painfully, I limped for the next several days. Another occasion, I called a patient 'dude' after telling him that he would need a liver transplant. He asked me if I was mocking him. Lesson 19 learned.

**20. Keep this list with myself at all times and never, ever let House see it.**

Who knows what he would do this thing? That man scares me sometimes when it comes to his ingenious ways of embarrassment. I don't even want to imagine what he'll do with this list.

**21. House will eventually find it and add that 'Kutner is a dumbass' before doing something embarrassing with it.**

Sometimes, it's wise to know that draping your coat over the back of a chair and then leaving the immediate area for a long time, means that anyone can freely search your pockets. When this happens, expect to be goofed on mercilessly about anything embarrassing that may have been found. Oh, and expect things like, oh, a copy to find its way to Thirteen while she's performing a biopsy, to happen.


End file.
